Hello world, it’s been long since I last tumblr-ed. My life has just been so hectic. Come to think of it, it’s been one and a half month since we last saw each other. Receiving your texts from time to time makes me angry and sad, I don’t know why. It just makes me feel like I’m hanging there. If you wanna leave, just leave, please don’t come back halfway. The pain you left in me has scarred me, the memories we had will never leave me. I hate how everything reminds me of you, I wanna forget you, I want to forget everything. What’s the point of thinking of someone who doesn’t even think of me at all. I just wanna care about the people who think I’m worth it, not someone who makes me feel like nothing. I’m just living everyday as it passes, just trying my best to be strong alone. I don’t believe in love anymore, I just don’t and I wanna live quietly by myself. For once, I want to make myself feel worth it and not let anyone bring me down anymore. But no matter how much I try to pull myself everyday, deep down in my heart, I miss you. But what’s the point, fuck this

I received your text today, I don’t know if it was because you were thinking of me or you just had no one to talk to. It was for awhile and you told me you’d talk to me at night. I had that inch of hope that everything would be okay, I wanted things to be okay. Well, you did talk to me again, I don’t know why but is it because we’re no longer together so we could talk like normal friends? We had a proper conversation, you said you like it that way. But what does this mean? I’m hanging on a thread, my heart is just left nowhere. Who was I trying to lie to? I was lying to myself, I spent my day thinking of you but you’d prefer us to be friends. You said sometimes you miss me, I felt like dying, I just wanted to drop dead. When I said I miss you all the time, I mean it. If you’re happy like this, I’m happy. I’d rather watch you be happy without this relationship than to be unhappy with me. I keep telling myself this is karma. ‘I’ll be okay’, ‘I’ll be strong’, that’s what I claim but I know deep inside, I’m not. Everything/everywhere I go reminds me of you, every song I listen to reminds me of what we used to be. If it’s not meant to be, there’s no point forcing, I truly wish you happiness. It hurts watching you leave me and what hurts even more is that you’re not mine anymore. The feeling is like having a knife through your heart, it hurts but I can’t even express my emotions in words. I know I have to accept the reality that I can’t call you mine anymore, and that you’re going to belong to someone else. It hurts, even tears can’t help because no matter how much I cry it out, the feeling is still there, it won’t go away. How am I supposed to be strong when I’m doing this on my own?

I don’t know how to start this but my mind is full of thoughts. I’m getting overwhelmed by the voices in my head. I don’t know what to do, how to react. I have no idea why I’m feeling the pain and sadness now, I guess self denial worked. But it’s not working anymore, it’s time to face reality. Who was I trying to kid when I told myself it was gonna work out. Well, you finally said it, perhaps you tried to break it to me in a nicer way but to me, it’s the same. I didn’t give up, I tried my best, I really did. I don’t know why it hurts so much. I want to numb myself from everything that’s happening, I want to sleep and never wake up. I really fell, I gave this my all but I guess there’s no point. Even at this point when I’m thinking of you, I guess you’re not. I get flashes of how my future is and it looks bleak. I need to muster up the courage to finish this, but somehow my heart and mind are having a debate. I’m lost, I’ve lost myself to you. It hurts

Here are some pictures from EFL Day 1, the pictures from the other 2 days will be uploaded soon as well. Enjoy (:

My cute girlfriend, yes cute. Shanel, if you’re reading this, don’t get too happy, maintain your ego uh.

Fluffy and me. We got closer this EFL, she is so cute and her laugh is just omg, so contagious HAHAHAHAHAHAH

This is me and Raya, she is so cute and nice (: Always being positive all the time but we all have our soft side. It’s ok Raya, I love you <3

Bavithra and Bernice. Bavithra just always makes me smile (: She gives nice hugs. Bernice is such an amazing dancer, love that girl <3

Yoges and me (: She is so tall and has nice legs I’m jealous HAHAHAH

Here are my best girls, they look so cute in that photo, as always.

So I had fun on the first day, I didn’t expect a priest to be so funny. Definitely wasn’t what I expected, I came to EFL hoping it would be fun and it really did turn out to be fun. It doesn’t really matter whether we’re in Malaysia or not, as long as we’re together as a class and we create beautiful memories, I’m contented. So glad to meet a bunch of nice, lovely people who are there for me. Thank God for them <3 Other pictures will be up soon, this is DAY 1. Off to bed

I miss all the memories we had, hope we’ll be able to create more. Went for movie today with this boy <3 It was a horrible horror movie and you were there for me all the way & covered my eyes when I was scared. I do hope we’ll stay like this forever. But sometimes I don’t wanna get my hopes too high, I do hope I’m wrong. Even if it means lying to myself, I’ll just keep trying. I love you <3 Can’t wait to see you on Sunday (:

Gonna hang with my girls tomorrow, so excited and happy (: Hav’t hanged out as a clique for quite awhile already. But I do miss Aldertina a lot ): I really do, I miss her princess-y style and her sometimes cute side and all. Well, I do hope she can meet up with us soon (‘: As for tomorrow, town > Strictly Pancakes > MBS (in no particular order), I just hope we’ll have fun (: Been so stressed since the beginning of the year, I need a breather with my girls but after this I have to go full steam ahead and study! Not really satisfied with my marks even though I passed cos’ I know I can do better.

Ok this is gonna be my post I tweeted about last night cos’ I hav’t been tumblr-ing much. Been so busy with exams and now it’s over! But I have more exams coming up so no time to slacken. Ok time to sleep, I love anyone that’s reading this <3

It’s time for me to express my feelings again. Guess things just ain’t getting better, I’m really lost and confused. No one gets me, no one is going through what I’m going through. It’s the feeling where you know it’s time to let go but you just can’t, I can’t. It’s so hard for me because I still love you, I always did. I really blame myself for falling too deep and getting attached too easily because it seems you have no problem trying to forget me, it seems you can move on so easily. I know I shouldn’t hold on anymore, I guess the reason you’re not walking away yet is because you’re waiting for me to do it. I know this is getting nowhere, it seems you have a wonderful life, you don’t even need me there anymore, I’m not needed at all. I know I get insecure so easily but I don’t even get a single assurance from you. I don’t know why I’m the only one trying. I always tell myself to talk to you, to settle things but every time I hear your voice, I just can’t do it, I feel like a coward, I can’t even muster the courage to tell you how I really feel. I even told you I’m happy everyday, I’m such a loser. Then again, if I really do tell you what I’m feeling, you might just decide that I’m one insecure little girl and just leave. I keep hanging onto this, it really hurts that I have to keep everything inside and I don’t know how long this is gonna last. Did it even dawned on you when was the last time we had a proper conversation? I’m really trying to keep all this alive. I don’t know if I’m numb to this feeling but I can’t even cry anymore, I already gave up in my mind, but my heart hasn’t given up. I know I told myself I wouldn’t give up but I’m already giving my all, I’m giving my best and I’m gonna lose myself too. I hate how you came riding on a white horse but now you just threw me off. I only have myself to blame for this, why did I fall so easily? Why am I so scared to tell you how I’m feeling? Why am I such a fool? I fell for someone stronger than me and I have to act like I’m strong too, I’m tired of acting, I’m tired of doing this. I’m going to break down soon, that’s when I’ll just detach myself from everyone, from the world. No one’s going to care anyway, so what’s the difference? What’s the point?